Looking After Yourself

When a member of your family is in prison overseas it can feel like your world has been turned upside down.

You may have trouble sleeping and eating and doing normal daily tasks. Coping with the emotions involved can be challenging and draining for you and other family members.

Many people experience feelings of loss and grief when their family member is imprisoned overseas. While you may still have some form of contact with them, such as telephone calls or video visits, the fact that you cannot easily visit them and see them in person can create a very real sense of loss.

Remind yourself of the following when you are feeling overwhelmed:

You can still love and support your family member/friend but not like what they did and the situation they find themselves in
You have experienced something extremely traumatic and you are allowed to cry and feel completely devastated by what has happened
This situation can happen to anyone

You are not to blame for a decision that another adult has taken.

Remember: The range of feelings and emotions that you experience while your family member is in prison may change over time. What is important to remember is that feelings are not permanent; whatever you are feeling, you will not feel like this forever.

Practising self-care

Focus on your own needs

First and foremost, you have to look after yourself. It can be hard to focus on your own needs when you are concerned about your loved one but if you are not looking after yourself you will be less able to look after your family member in prison and other family members.

Try to check in with yourself regularly to ensure you are managing to function and to recognise times when you are really struggling and need extra support. These signs are different for everyone but might include things like racing thoughts, difficulty sleeping, being irritable, feeling like crying a lot, having difficulty getting up in the morning and not caring about things that you usually love doing.

Get active outdoors

Being active in the outdoors is great for improving your physical and mental well-being. It has been shown to reduce anxiety and stress, improve your mood and increase self-esteem. Going for a walk or cycle, or playing sports, can provide a welcome distraction from your worries. Even if you don’t feel able to exercise, sometimes just being outdoors and spending some quality time in nature can have a positive impact on your mood and sense of well-being

Get enough sleep

This is easier said than done when you are worried and stressed about your family member in prison. However, there may be small adjustments you can make to your routine that can help you to get a good night’s sleep.

Go to bed and get up at the same time every day
Avoid screens for an hour before bed
Make sure your bedroom is completely dark
Reduce your intake of caffeine and cut out caffeinated drinks in the afternoon and evening.

It might be worth keeping a sleep diary to help you identify things in your routine that may be impacting on getting a good night’s sleep.

Do something you enjoy

Try to make time on a regular basis to do something you enjoy. It can be easy to forget about the small things in life that give you comfort when you are feeling overwhelmed, but carving out some time to spend on a hobby or with a friend can make a huge difference to your mood and well-being. Making a plan to do something you enjoy will give you something to look forward to.

“Family members often say they feel guilty if they are enjoying themselves while their loved one is in prison, but remember that they may feel relieved and less guilty about the pain they have caused you if you can continue doing the things you enjoy.”

Connect with others

Getting support from family and friends as you journey through difficult times can give you the strength and energy you need to keep going. Build a small network of trusted friends and/or family members who you know you can rely on for support.

If you have a lot of family and friends who want to help, try to divide up tasks and give people specific areas of responsibility, such as sending books, updating other family members, sending money, etc. This will help avoid all of the contact falling to one person, which can be draining.

If you don’t have support from family or friends, there are other places where you can turn. There are many helplines you can contact, such as the Samaritans on 116123 or a new text-support service called Text About It, where you just text HELLO to 50808 to start a conversation with a trained volunteer. It’s free, available 24/7 and is for anyone feeling overwhelmed or in crisis. You can also speak to the ICPO.

Speak to the ICPO

ICPO caseworkers are here to accompany you while your family member is in prison and after their release and are happy to make time for you whenever you need support. We will not judge, only listen and try to support you the best we can.

Check in with your ICPO caseworker on a regular basis. There doesn’t have to be a particular reason or any development in relation to your loved one; it can be good to just speak to someone who understands.

ICPO organises monthly online Family Coffee Mornings and two in-person Family Information Days a year for all our clients’ families. The events are friendly spaces where families going through similar experiences can exchange experiences and coping strategies.

Connect with your faith or spirituality

In times of difficulty, a person’s faith or spirituality can be a source of comfort, helping people to cope with the challenges and stresses that they face and providing a measure of hope. Some people find strength in the practice of their faith by regularly attending Mass and/or reading prayers, poems and reflections which have helped them in the past.